For me, this journey to Asia to work with a human rights organization, is the ultimate... I have arrived. I have NEVER been so sure of and excited about anything else in my life. I was all set and ready to go, and God decided to pull the reigns a bit and gently say, in MY time Michelle, not yours. I ended up having some issues obtaining a visa, and therefore had to postpone my trip.
Now, you might be thinking, two weeks is no big deal, but to me, it was everything, it was an inconvenience. In fact, I cannot remember a time when I could say I was literally angry at God, but the past week or so, I came pretty close to it. I was depressed, angry, and you might even say, rebellious. I ignored God, and refused to spend time in His word that week. I admit it. Silly, I know, very silly. I trust God with my finances, material needs, career, family, future spouse, and NOW I decide to doubt Him. Of all the pain and trials I've been through in my short life, and I choose to get angry about something like this.
The biggest thing though was not knowing what the exact plan was. I like to have MY plan and sometimes forget its not MY plan, but GOD'S plan. I may never know why God chose to delay my trip; it could simply be to teach me a lesson. I learned that even though this burning passion I have is for something close to the heart of God, I still need to surrender THAT to God. Just because it's a noble and godly thing, doesn't mean I can make my own plans. God sometimes needs to remind us that HE is in control and can change our "noble" plans in a heartbeat. I cannot become so consumed with "godly things" that I forget about God himself. I cannot become so busy with fighting for justice that I forget He IS justice. HE is the reason I have dreams to pursue... gosh, He put them there!
So, Tuesday night I decided to get rid of my self pity and read the word a bit. And I read this:
"Now listen, you who say, 'Today, or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"
I thought, okay God, I cannot control this situation, and that kills me, but you have complete control over it, and I think I am finally deciding to fully trust you with this. I admit, I still wasn't overly thrilled, but I did give it up at least.
The next day, I got an email saying my visa was in the mail, and the day after that, it came.
So now I leave for Asia in a few days, completely humbled. I WAS able to get some things done this week, that I otherwise would not have been able to do. I spent some time with people I otherwise would not have. I am rested, and SO ready to GO.
And finally, I read this scripture last night...
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:4-7